Well I haven’t posted much of anything really serious lately because I’ve been a little preoccupied with my hooker shoes, my butt floss and the size of my ass. But I’ve had a few readers email me with some questions. And serious questions from serious readers deserve serious responses.
One reader wanted to know how or when I started sleeping again after having my second daughter. She explained to me that she had never had sleeping issues in her entire life until she was struck with PPD. Now I may not be the best person to go by because from the time I was required to get up at 6 AM to get ready for school I have had issues with going to sleep and staring at the clock and trying to figure out how much sleep I would get if I fell asleep right then.
As soon as I was old enough to drink, believe me, I was already trying to self medicate my falling asleep anxiety. And that self medication didn’t cause too many problems. I mean I was in college and everyone was doing it for fun so I kind of blended in.
It wasn’t until I started raising children that I realized that trying to continue medicating was wrong and irresponsible. So many times I just suffered through many endless nights and went to work exhausted. Sometimes I was so tired I’d even turn on my “do not disturb” button and crawl under my desk to try to snooze. Sometimes I would even fall asleep.
Now fast forward to life after M.J. A few weeks postpartum and I lost the ability to nap. A few more weeks after, I lost the ability to fall asleep entirely. Well…I guess there would be nights when I would get a few winks around 5 AM but that was about it.
My obgyn started with the anitidepressants which led to mania…which led to sleeping pills….which led to antiseizure medications which led to benzos which led to mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. Ha! STILL NO SLEEP!!! So then came the drinking. Then came the passing out. And from the passing out and still not getting real sleep came the depression and psychosis.
So what broke me out of this cycle? How did I end up where I am now sleeping like a baby…no..like a teenager?
I stopped drinking entirely. I got rid of the need to wake up to an alarm. My family took away a ton of my responsibility. I started exercising like a crazy person…and I just waited it out.
That may be oversimplifying it and I’m leaving out all of the drama…but there was no magic pill or silver bullet. There really wasn’t. I’ve asked my family members over and over again what brought me back…but we can’t put our finger on it.
So I’m going to say something that most people aren’t going to like and it may suck the hope out of some of you…and yeah honey I know you disagree…but I honestly think that PPD is something that is going to have to run it’s course. You can exacerbate it and you can make it a bit more comfortable…but I don’t think there is any one thing you can do to cure it. It’s like a cold. Well more serious than a cold but you know what I mean. If you get it…you have it until you don’t have it anymore. It just starts to slowly go away.
And please don’t take this as me saying you shouldn’t seek treatment. Most definitely go find someone to talk to and take meds if you need them. But most importantly make sure that you and everyone that deals with you has a full understanding of what is going on. Everyone needs to know that you aren’t just a bit down or sad. You are NOT yourself and can NOT function like your self. If these people want to see the old self coming back quicker…they are going to have to cut you some breaks and go easy on you for a while. You’re in a fragile state.
So do what you can to educate yourself and your loved ones. Make sure they create a soft place for you to fall. Make sure they know you are trying your best to hang on and if you could wish it away you would. They need to know this isn’t something that you can fix with happy thoughts or yoga. It’s going to take time and you don’t have much control over it. But as my mom and grandma love to say…”This too shall pass.” And it will.
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I’m going to agree with your honey … my experience with your bouts with serious depression was not that they had to “run their course.” Instead, they ended when you began to undertake steps to deal with the depression. For example, you’ve described how cutting out the alcohol, exercise, etc. helped you sleep and combat the depression. The depression did not stop on its own. You had to stop it.
That isn’t meant to say that this is easy. In my experience, it was exceedingly difficult to get you to begin taking any of those steps — and I think it’s a pretty safe bet that my idiosyncratic experiences with people (i.e., you) are not unique. Other people will likely be just as stubborn and inner-focused as you were. However, with time it can get better — as your experience highlights.
As you’ve described, your growth out of PPD was a process, not an event. It probably feels like a MUCH shorter process now than it did when you were in it. I have never seen anyone at a lower point in their lives than you were at. Other women who are suffering should take hope in this and begin/maintain the process.
I think you’re both wrong and right. Cutting back on alcohol, getting exercise, finding the right medications for sleep, etc. did not “end” the PPD, but they did help.
To take one example, from what I saw, getting the medications “right” helped you get sleep; once you got sleep regularly, you lost some of your anxiety about sleeping; as your anxiety declined, the quality of your sleep improved, and all this helped with the PPD and anxiety. It didn’t “cure” it, but it helped.
To put this another way (and I think both you and Brad would agree on this), there is no “silver bullet” or “cure” for PPD. It is, as you’ve described, a long and difficult process. But there are things that a woman suffering from PPD can do that can affect the depth/duration of it. So, cutting out the drinking isn’t a “cure,” but it contributed to better sleep, and better sleep was essential — necessary, but not sufficient — to recovery.
So where does that leave us? I think the reality is that PPD has to “run its course,” but that choices one makes can affect that course. Nothing will “cure” it, but there are things that can help, but they will still take time.
JHA
Thanks to both of you for leaving such insightful comments!