When I first started this blog and I had only been back to my old self for a short while I blogged about how people trying to recover from any mental illness should keep the amount of mood altering chemicals they put into their bodies to an absolute minimum. Well…I didn’t think I was losing weight fast enough so I added in a preworkout supplement and a fat burner. Now mind you these are stimulants…but lo and behold…just like the label says…people suffering from mental illness should not take them. They actually cause what I believe to be anxiety and adrenal overload geared depression. Yes…stimulants appear to be able to bring down the mood. I’ve been irritable…unmotivated…and even more hungry then before I started taking them. They were too much for me so I need to back off. Damnit damnit sum bish. Well…back to cutting the old fashioned way. Good old diet and exercise.
Carbs 1, Redhead 0.
Well, I’ve built my muscles as big as they’re going to get before this damn competition. And I’ve been making every excuse possible to try to do a standard cutting diet to lean down. But it’s not working…at least not fast enough. So what the hell am I gonna do? I’m going to cut carbs. THAT’S what I’m going to do. So all of my low carb fans fear not! Redhead is coming HOME!!!
Yay! Stretch marks!
Oh no…it’s not what you think. I got my first stretch mark from my muscles in my biceps growing faster than my skin could stretch. Nothing like a good battle scar to remind you of your victories. (This post also applies to mommy scars too!)
Recovery revisited…again.
I’ve blogged recently about how I think recovery depression is something that is going to happen in it’s own sweet time and I’ve also gotten into a few discussions on other message boards about the benefits of therapy. It’s amazing how peoples’ views vary so wildly on this topic. I think my husband and I have finally agreed that recovery can be facilitated or delayed by doing things that are either beneficial or detrimental to your physical and mental state. For example, someone who is downing a bottle of vodka a day will most definitely not recover as fast as if they were exercising and eating healthy. Fine. I feel like that is stating the obvious. Where I am in disagreement with a lot of people is whether it’s the chicken or the egg. Is it the therapy that initiates the start of recovery or is it the beginning of the healing stages that make you able and willing to participate in your recovery?
Well…I have to say that right now…I am being a bit of a hypocrite. I am NOT taking care of myself. In fact I am beating the living hell out of myself. I’ve cut way back on calories. I am punishing myself in the gym. I’m jacked up on stimulants (legal OTC of course). And probably the thing that should be taking the biggest toll on me is my decision to announce to the world that I’m going to get up on stage and compete. Two years ago this type of stress would have killed me. It would have caused panic attacks and insomnia. I would have to drink something or pop something to get any relief. I would whole myself up away from the world and plant myself in front of the TV.
But oddly enough…I am more productive, more social, more motivated and more mentally relaxed than ever. My heart is racing from the caffeine…I’m starving…I’m bouncing off the walls…but I have the capacity to enjoy and to take in deep breaths…and I am going to sleep like a baby tonight. I can’t explain any of this. I really can’t. My husband keeps telling me that he’s always believed in me and I can do anything…yadda yadda yadda. Thank you sweetie! I appreciate that SO much! But right now…what is shocking the hell out of me is that I believe in me. I don’t know. Maybe after all these years of depression I’ve gone manic. Maybe I’m just totally off my rocker and this is just the beginning of me cracking up. But something has clicked.
Maybe it’s the exercise. Maybe it’s all the whole foods. Maybe it’s because my every day life is full of doing things that I love instead of things I have to do. But I’m not going to therapy and I’m not medicated with happy pills. I don’t do cognitive behavioral therapy. I don’t practice positive self talk. I don’t read self help books. I don’t do yoga. But I am 200% the person I used to be. Maybe I’ve just gained some perspective and I realize that you can’t go any lower than where I was. So I have no fear of ever feeling any worse. Maybe I just subconsciously don’t give a shit what people say or think about me. Who knows. All I know is that this has all happened with time and no one in my life can pinpoint when and where it started. There was no silver bullet or magic pill. There was no breakthrough therapy session. There was no big AHA moment. Happiness and contentment just snuck up on me.
And while I’m talking about recovery and my well being…I might as well throw in another before and after pic. I so enjoy doing that.
Ha! Take that depression!
I have sealed my fate.
I had an absolutely wonderful time at a BBQ last night where almost all of my ladies were gathered. But after having a few glasses of wine I decided it was a GREAT idea to invite half of my town to come watch me compete. And I’m pretty sure I offered to rent a bus and feed every one there. Ha! So…I think I may actually be stuck doing this thing. How do I back down now that I have single-handedly planned what could be the most entertaining event of the Hudson Newcomers holiday season? Oh lawdy. I’m pretty sure this all guarantees that my bedazzled bronzed ass will be broadcast all the hell over youtube. Stay tuned.
“From manic mom to bodacious bodybuilder!”
Ha! I just googled myself to see what the heck comes up and lo and behold I ran across a plug for me on www.carbwire.com. Manic? Maybe. Bodacious? Only with the aid of Vickie S. Maybe when the ab fairy leaves the boobie fairy may take her place!
If a tree falls in a forest…
yadda yadda yadda. If my abs pop out and there is nobody there to see them…did they really pop out? Ha! The ab fairy is sneaking around my house at night and she is getting ready to spring the last two cans of abs on my four pack! Here’s an update.
Shout out to my supp company! Sup LG Sciences!
Well just wanted to announce that I have officially added an LG Sciences tab on my blog so that my readers can follow my supplementation and see what all I’ll be taking to get ready for my upcoming contest. I’ve been acting as a spokesperson for this great company that continues to guide me along my journey to get jacked!
Interview featured on Jimmy Moore’s Livin’ La Vida Low Carb!
I am humbled and honored yet again to have such an amazing person as low carb celebrity Jimmy Moore acknowledge my physical and mental transformation. Here’s the podcast.
Some thoughts on recovery.
Well I haven’t posted much of anything really serious lately because I’ve been a little preoccupied with my hooker shoes, my butt floss and the size of my ass. But I’ve had a few readers email me with some questions. And serious questions from serious readers deserve serious responses.
One reader wanted to know how or when I started sleeping again after having my second daughter. She explained to me that she had never had sleeping issues in her entire life until she was struck with PPD. Now I may not be the best person to go by because from the time I was required to get up at 6 AM to get ready for school I have had issues with going to sleep and staring at the clock and trying to figure out how much sleep I would get if I fell asleep right then.
As soon as I was old enough to drink, believe me, I was already trying to self medicate my falling asleep anxiety. And that self medication didn’t cause too many problems. I mean I was in college and everyone was doing it for fun so I kind of blended in.
It wasn’t until I started raising children that I realized that trying to continue medicating was wrong and irresponsible. So many times I just suffered through many endless nights and went to work exhausted. Sometimes I was so tired I’d even turn on my “do not disturb” button and crawl under my desk to try to snooze. Sometimes I would even fall asleep.
Now fast forward to life after M.J. A few weeks postpartum and I lost the ability to nap. A few more weeks after, I lost the ability to fall asleep entirely. Well…I guess there would be nights when I would get a few winks around 5 AM but that was about it.
My obgyn started with the anitidepressants which led to mania…which led to sleeping pills….which led to antiseizure medications which led to benzos which led to mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. Ha! STILL NO SLEEP!!! So then came the drinking. Then came the passing out. And from the passing out and still not getting real sleep came the depression and psychosis.
So what broke me out of this cycle? How did I end up where I am now sleeping like a baby…no..like a teenager?
I stopped drinking entirely. I got rid of the need to wake up to an alarm. My family took away a ton of my responsibility. I started exercising like a crazy person…and I just waited it out.
That may be oversimplifying it and I’m leaving out all of the drama…but there was no magic pill or silver bullet. There really wasn’t. I’ve asked my family members over and over again what brought me back…but we can’t put our finger on it.
So I’m going to say something that most people aren’t going to like and it may suck the hope out of some of you…and yeah honey I know you disagree…but I honestly think that PPD is something that is going to have to run it’s course. You can exacerbate it and you can make it a bit more comfortable…but I don’t think there is any one thing you can do to cure it. It’s like a cold. Well more serious than a cold but you know what I mean. If you get it…you have it until you don’t have it anymore. It just starts to slowly go away.
And please don’t take this as me saying you shouldn’t seek treatment. Most definitely go find someone to talk to and take meds if you need them. But most importantly make sure that you and everyone that deals with you has a full understanding of what is going on. Everyone needs to know that you aren’t just a bit down or sad. You are NOT yourself and can NOT function like your self. If these people want to see the old self coming back quicker…they are going to have to cut you some breaks and go easy on you for a while. You’re in a fragile state.
So do what you can to educate yourself and your loved ones. Make sure they create a soft place for you to fall. Make sure they know you are trying your best to hang on and if you could wish it away you would. They need to know this isn’t something that you can fix with happy thoughts or yoga. It’s going to take time and you don’t have much control over it. But as my mom and grandma love to say…”This too shall pass.” And it will.
